Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
A sick whale is called an unwhale
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.