@bencoffeehall: Just saw a license plate that said "LUV SLUG." I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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@vineyille: FBI: I can’t unlock my phone Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache? FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
@WritePlay: TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket? ME: You shut your mouth TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it