Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
my favorite genre of twitter
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being