Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Why are bridges so flammable.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)