just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.