just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I can also cook 😂
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
multitasking lunch
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”