Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
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Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
he was correct
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
😂💯
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.