Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
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who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
TODAY
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?