Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex