me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.