My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Safety first
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable