@Mikecanrant: Just saw a shooting star. The crime in this galaxy is getting out of hand.
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@NottaBigDeal: I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say "you're gross".
@YourAnMoron: Judge "Why are you divorcing her?" Me "She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody." J "You get half her stuff." *air guitar solo*
@JanineEB4: This cop standing next to my car wouldn't let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him. Why are some people so needy?!