where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
this is so top tier i cant
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it