Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.