My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
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“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Mountain Goat : )
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.