@jerryRenek: Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
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@jus4golf: My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
@AdamWeinstein: "WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"
@Vanilla_cupcak: My doctor wasn't amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said One hundred and fat