Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.