Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
You Might Also Like
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.