Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
In case you needed to hear it:
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill