Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.