Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Peace was never an option