Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
You Might Also Like
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.