I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My daily affirmation
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?