Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Print is alive and well!!!
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]