Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
🤣🤣🤣
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If looks could kill
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I can’t stop watching this.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.