Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I can’t stop watching this.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Born to be mild.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Google assistant rules
I want what they have
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.