[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.