When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.