just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.