just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I’m going to need a moment here.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me