Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
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super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.