Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?