@PaperWash: Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I'm gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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@myles_morrison: Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 2.) prisoner of war beard 3.) homeless person beard 4.) wizard beard
@BlindChow: (Ok don't let her know ur Jesus) Girl: Meet my dad *they shake hands* *Dad stands up from wheelchair* Dad: It's a miracle! Jesus: *facepalm*
@DaveAhdoot: Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple
@rolldiggity: Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.