@PaperWash: Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I'm gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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@Jermaine_Accram: My "15 minutes of fame" are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
@SamuelHLowe: - You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma'am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
@NoticablyBacon: Accidentally just told a girl that "she has a nice head" because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
@Marcmywords2: Someone called me yesterday and said, "Hello, is this Ross" I said " no it's Chandler" And they hung up. So much for trying to be Friends.