@PaperWash: Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I'm gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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@nojeshua: [mysterious British man rescues me] Me: How? Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
@NoogsCorner: Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
@RobDenBleyker: Life advice: If someone ever tells you "I'll be there in thirty minutes", you should ALWAYS respond with "You've got twenty" and hang up.