Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”