@AnkCoupleTO: Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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@withanewname: "Yes mam that'll be $1200" "Just to remove a cassette tape that's stuck?" "Ma'm, it's in your CD player"
@tripeface: My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am! Can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
@PieChord: Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
@Cpin42: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you got picked on in high school? Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.