Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.