Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
The fall of Netflix
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt