@KevinFarzad: Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We're in a drought, idiot.
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@caseytduncan: If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.
@themiltron: [first day as a server] me: how would u like your steak person: well done me: thank you that's so kind it's my first day & i'm very nervous
@WheelTod: Major milestone today -- found my first grey pubic hair! But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
@NurseMurderer: Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.