@Brianhopecomedy: Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.
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@jctwritesstuff: [First Date] Him: Great dress. Me: Oh, this? *flips hair* *twirls* *skirt flares* *foot catches* *face plants* Him: Me: Hey! Come back!
@joeljeffrey: I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
@Fred_Delicious: [at KFC] "One bargain bucket please" "ok sir, and would you like any sides?" "Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out"
@Tmoney68: Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this. *dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap* M: I have never been happier in my life.