@Brianhopecomedy: Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.
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@AnkCoupleTO: *at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!
@shatty48: Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I'm still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
@FatherofTweet: Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
@XoMiSsYoX: Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I'm by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. :(