Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Risking my life for fun.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.