Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
You Might Also Like
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Welcome
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.