Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou