Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
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People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.