just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
You Might Also Like
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
🤣🤣🤣
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.