At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
You Might Also Like
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.