I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it