Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
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My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..