I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
cause of death:
autopsy.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.