[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
You Might Also Like
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.