me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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