Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Doggies just call it style.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.