Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.