Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch