[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Canada has crack?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The devil.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans